This was written early in July:
I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster the past week or so. I received a call on Tuesday night that there were 2 children who needed some respite care for the weekend. Would we take them? They may be free for adoption soon and may be a match for our family. At first I was excited. Knowing next to nothing about the kids other than their ages and names I immediately started thinking about the “what if these are our children” scenario.
Wednesday I spent 2 hours on the phone with their foster mother.
And then promptly flipped out.
Reality and fear and doubt and selfishness all hit me like a freight train and for a few days I was completely paralyzed. My stomach was in knots. I cried at the drop of a hat. Friends and family called and offered listening ears and words of wisdom. What they spoke to me was right and good and true, but I couldn’t feel it past the fog in my head and the knot in my gut.
On Thursday night I sat in the shower as tears streamed. I felt completely broken open. Weak. Helpless. I cried out over and over, “I know You are sovereign and You are good. Help my unbelief!”
Here’s the thing: I know that God shows up in our weakness. I know that when we are most unable is when we learn to truly rely on Christ. I know that only when we let go of our control can we learn to rely completely on the Holy Spirit. But, it is scary. That moment of realization of my complete dependence on Him was down right terrifying. You know why? Because I still doubt His love.
There you have it.
I believe that God has called our family to adopt. I have seen Him orchestrate every step up until now. Yet I still doubt that the riches of His love are extravagant. I doubt that if He has called us then there will be great joy, even if there is also difficulty. I continue to want to define His goodness according to my standards.
On Sunday we sang about rising up as eagles through the power of His love. We sang of God’s jealous love for us, Oh How He Loves Us So! We read that we would be quieted by His love (Zephaniah3:17). The sermon passage showed the result of righteousness being quietness and trust (Isaiah 32:17).
I realized that even me believing in God’s love is a result of His love for me.