I am in shock right now. Completely at a loss of how to go on from this moment. A call from the kids foster mother this morning revealed that the situation with the kids is even more unsure than we had originally thought. I obviously cannot go in to details but the upshot is that the possibility of these kids being placed with us is slipping away and no one from DFCS has even had the decency to keep us informed.
I called a friend in tears. But feeling guilty for my tears because this placement wasn’t a guarantee in the first place. And yet, my heart had attached, and I had dreamed some dreams, and no matter how practical and rational you try to be, once love starts it doesn’t just stop. And once love starts there is usually some pain involved somewhere. And this pain is real.
And this is what we signed up for. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Children are never our own in the first place. We have this feeling of control with our biological children that is really just an illusion. This process is showing me how little control I really have. It is also showing me how much love costs. Maybe the cost of my tentative love for these children is never really knowing where they end up or who they become. Maybe the cost is that I will pray for them the whole rest of my life and never see their faces again. Maybe the cost is that I will always feel this small ache in a part of my heart for two children who my arms and heart were wide open to welcome. That ache will drive me to my knees begging God’s protection and care for them.
And of course the cost is worth it.
Because my friend reminded me of the truth that I know but am struggling to grasp. God has mapped the road already. I can rest in the knowledge of God’s unending love for me and for these children. Right now for me the mirror is dim, I only know part, and the picture seems imperfect (1 Corinthians 13). But God promises that there will be a day when we see Him face to face, and the partial will pass away and the perfect will be revealed and everything will be fully known!
This morning I read:
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord! -Psalm 27:13&14
So even as I fumble and question and cry, I trust God in His grace to give me grace to help me push away impatience and wait. I trust God in His grace to help me push away despair and give me courage. I trust God in His grace to show me His goodness.