at loose ends

I have been staring at this blank screen for a few days. I just don’t really know what to say. It seems like our situation with little S man changes daily. I thought that I was handling it all okay, but I wonder if I haven’t just shut down. I am person who likes structure, order, consistency. I like calm and predictability. Ha!

Last week we had a great heart-to-heart talk with the foster mom. We felt like we were all on the same page. We didn’t want to just move little S for no reason so we agreed to continue visiting and having him spend time with us, but not make any decisions about moving until January. We felt that by then we would have a clearer picture as to what was going on with his birth parents. Then on Monday night we received a call from foster mom. She feels he needs to be moved sooner. She wants us to make a decision.

We are praying. And talking through options and scenarios. My mind is spinning. And then my mind just stops because I can’t control any of this. I can’t predict what his birth parents will or won’t do. I can’t predict if the judge will grant TPR when DFCS asks for it. I can’t predict any thing.

The only thing we can do is prayerfully make the best decision we can for little S and our family with the information that we currently have. And once we do that we have to trust God with the details.

I don’t fee like my confusion over this situation comes from being too emotionally involved or attached. I actually feel like the Holy Spirit has protected me from getting too emotionally attached at this point. What is exhausting me is the constant change in the planning. I felt so peaceful and thankful after our conversation last week. I felt like a clear path had been laid out and God was definitely guiding our steps. Then one phone call, on Monday night, on our way to my birthday dinner, sends me reeling again. Or maybe not reeling – but re-evaluating. It is a bit exhausting to wake up every day and wonder, “What will happen today?”

Does this mean we abandon this? This process is clearly not in sync with my personality and personal life style! Maybe we really are not the best people to do this?

No.

Believe me, I have been tempted to scrap the whole thing. And by whole thing, I mean the whole adoption thing. I have been tempted to call our case manager and tell her to close our home study completely and just leave us the heck alone. But if we do that, then we are turning our backs on a clear call that we feel from God. We would miss out on a lot of joy.

This daily up and down and back and forth is teaching me so much! It is teaching me to hold my plans lightly. It is teaching me to focus on just this day. It is teaching me to be more fully present with the kids who are in my care right now. It is teaching me how to be in touch with, and control my emotions in a healthy way. It is teaching me what it means to practically trust God to provide for each day of my life.  It is teaching me a whole new level of prayer. Most importantly I am so much more aware of my complete and total dependence on God.

I am not really sure how to end this post. I feel at loose ends, so maybe that is fitting. I took a break for a minute and a friend posted this on her Facebook feed:

“God will call you to face the unthinkable in order to form in you what is unachievable apart from his grace.”- Paul David Tripp

That pretty much describes how I feel right now.

 

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