I have felt pretty calm and peaceful until now.
Then last night I flipped out.
I am not sure what brought it on but I had a full blown anxiety attack. To the point of feeling sick to my stomach.
This morning I woke up a bit better, but still with this lingering fear/doubt/anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was all I could do to get dressed and make breakfast. I sent off a quick Facebook message to a friend requesting prayer because I knew I was going to need it. I had come to the end of myself.
Usually, we do the Bible reading part of our home school curriculum during breakfast. For some reason we had not been doing that this week. So I decided to pull out our Bible and get back on track. The reading for today was about Abraham and his faith. The description that we read in The Awesome Book of Bible Facts by Sandy Silverthorne was:
What if God said, “Pack up everything you own, say goodbye to your friends and country, and get ready for a long journey. I’ll tell you when to stop”? That’s what happened to Abraham! And you know what? He did it. That’s one reason he is called the father of faith. He trusted God.
The account in Genesis 22 of Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son Isaac says:
After these things God tested Abraham… -Genesis 22:1
And after God spared Isaac and provided the ram in the thicket it says:
So Abraham called the name of that place, “The Lord will provide” -Genesis 22:14
By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. -Hebrews 11:8
By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises was in the act of offering up his only son…He considered that God was able to even raise him from the dead… -Hebrews 11:17&19
Coincidence? I think not.
I don’t believe for a moment that Abraham didn’t have moments of doubt and anxiety. Surely he wrestled and doubted and at times wondered what the heck he was doing. He must have, because he makes some pretty bad decisions at various points in his life (as accounted in Genesis). Obviously there were times when his faith was weak and he tried to control things his own way.
And yet, he is remembered as the father of faith because when it counted, he trusted and obeyed. God had made promises to him, and even though there were times when he lost sight of that, when God called him to do something he did it because he believed God.
I can’t say that I am completely over my anxiety attack. But I am feeling a bit more peace as I finger my “be still” pendant and ruminate on Abraham’s faith. God called – Abraham obeyed. God called – God provided. Abraham obeyed – God blessed. So simple and yet so incredibly complex.
There is a laundry list of things in this whole foster-to-adopt process that scare me silly. When it comes down to it I am afraid that it will all be too much. That we just can’t handle it. Today, the fear is obscuring the promise.
Here is the bottom line (and I tremble to write this!) – if God called us to do this then we obey. We trust that He will provide. We have faith that His promises are true. We believe that He loves us and will bring joy and blessing. And even though we are nervous and anxious, by faith we keep walking this path as it unfolds.