Slowing…

Summer ended with a rush and bustle. Every calendar day had something penned in. Almost every evening had someone going somewhere. It was out of character for us, but we managed it with joy and grace.

As the leaves fall and the days shorten, things are finally slowing down a bit. This week we had 3 evenings of quiet here at home! We lingered around the dinner table. We lit candles and snuggled under blankets and read some good books. We rested and slowed.

We are recovering from the first cold/sick of the season. Last week I was laid low and spent a lot of time napping. Even though my body felt bad my spirit welcomed the opportunity to burrow in bed and rest.

A year ago this time we were meeting little S man and preparing to have him join our family. I am trying to let myself be authentic in my feelings about this. I am trying not to just brush past it. My tendency is to wave my hand, shrug my shoulders and say, “I’m okay. It’s all good.” But the wrestling in my heart continues. I feel deep in my bones that we made the right decision at the time. And yet, I also feel that it sounds so selfish. I continue to struggle to lay aside my need to “strive” for righteousness. It is a continual work for me to rest and be content in God’s love for me today. Honestly, I fight the drive to have to “do worthwhile things” in order (in my mind) to make up for deciding not to adopt any children at this time. I fight the idea that my life right now, 2 kids and a minivan in small-town America, are not worthwhile enough.

A friend posted this quote on her Facebook feed this morning and it hit home:

“You see, the first call of the kingdom of God is not to action; it’s to being. The first call is not to proclamation or to social action, but to incarnation. Christ calls us – in spite of our brokenness – to become quite literally the living presence of His body in the world today. We’re to be the living good news that the future of God has broken into human history. Unless we do that, we have no basis on which to speak or act.” – Tom Sine

My first call is to incarnation.  Wow.

Earlier this week I dug out our gratitude journals from last November. I was flipping through and my heart skipped a beat for a minute when I saw “I am thankful we got to visit S man” scrawled in the childish hand of my oldest son. My mind started racing, considering all the wrongs I might have done this past year. I began immediately to heap guilt and shame on myself. What if? What if? What if? played like a mantra in my mind. I had to make myself stop. I had to make myself pray. I had to make myself repeat, “Nothing I do can make God love me more. Nothing I do can make God love me less.”

Lord, show me how to “be” right where you have put me today.