Captive (Day 3)

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Day 3 of 31 Days of 5 Minutes of Free Writing

Today’s Prompt: Captive

(Note: The actual prompt was Capture, but for some reason every time I read over the master list of prompts this week I kept reading “captive.” I kept mulling over it and wondering what the heck I was going to write because it seemed like such a strange prompt. This is what came today as a result of a women’s retreat at my church this weekend. So “captive” it is.) 

GO

“When you hold onto pride, unforgiveness, or bitterness you are held captive. Forgiving others and yourself sets you free.”

This was said today at a women’s conference I was at.

Let it sink in.

It stopped me in my tracks.

I didn’t know I needed to forgive myself. I didn’t know I needed to release myself from the ways I had been holding on to my own expectations for myself and beating myself up when I didn’t meet those expectations. I didn’t know that I was holding onto guilt from choices I had made. I didn’t know that I hadn’t forgiven myself for the ways I treated my kids when I battled my anger and lost.

I have been holding myself captive. I experienced Gods love for me in deeper ways in the past few years but I have been refusing to allow myself to love myself. Does that make sense? It sounds kind of crazy when I write it down. It’s hard to extend love to myself. It’s easier to beat myself up and heap up guilt. But that is no way to live joyfully. It is hard to be tender and forgiving toward my own person. But I want to. I want to live free.

STOP

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