Perhaps (Day 27)

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Day 27 of 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writing

Today’s Prompt: Perhaps

GO

Three years ago a perhaps that we had been preparing our hearts for didn’t happen. Two sweet, energetic children who were perhaps (we were told probably) going to join our family – didn’t. A quick phone call and just like that we were expected to move on. Grief in that instance seemed silly (after all we had only met them a handful of times and shouldn’t we be happy that they had gone back to their birth family?) but it was a reality.

I grieve the loss of two children every year in the fall. This fall she would be 9 and he would be 8. What would their interests be? What would bring them joy? Are they safe? Do they have what they need? Are they loved? I grieve the loss of their bright eyes and happy chatter and their little arms encircling my waist in a hug. I grieve the loss of the perhaps that our family might have been – six seats around the table instead of four, four little ones to tuck in at night, a daughter who I could have read “Anne of Green Gables” to, another son to add to the wild chaos that is boys. I don’t allow myself to dwell on the picture of what our family could be with them in it for too long. It hurts and feels self-indulgent at the same time.

Perhaps I will see them again some day. Perhaps I will get to know what happened with their lives. Most likely I never will, and that hurt is deep. Perhaps my constant prayers are covering them and keeping them. I hope so, since my arms can’t.

STOP

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I am participating in the 31 Days Writing Challenge. Click here to see all posts in this series.

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