November has already passed. I never finished my 31 day writing challenge in October, but I wrote all but three days I think, so that is something. I still haven’t decided if writing on a blog is something I want to keep doing. Honestly, I have so many thoughts swirling around like leaves in my head and I don’t know how to pin them down. Most days they remain illusive.
November is a tough month for me these days. Three years ago in early November we rode the roller coaster of being matched with a potential foster-to-adopt placement and by the end of the month we had decided not to actively pursue adoption any more. So guilt lays heavy on me and I feel the lethargy and apathy that signal the onset of a mild depression that shades my days grey. Some days it just seems easier to numb myself with a screen and mindless entertainment. Yet the autumn sun shines crisp and the world around me is aflame with color. I wrestle with the dichotomy of feeling in the depths of me that we made the right decision but also feeling like I failed somehow.
And this November horrible things were happening around the world. My Facebook feed became a battleground of opinions and name calling and destructive criticism and condescending memes. My mind and heart couldn’t disengage and I finally had to just turn it off.
Last week we celebrated the American holiday of Thanksgiving. It is an opportunity to gather with friends and family, reminding each other of God’s goodness. We need to remind each other. We need to speak thanksgiving out loud because sometimes we forget. I have let myself forget about the goodness of God as I have let the anxiety and doubt take over.
“Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see — how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to him.
Worship God if you want the best;
worship opens doors to all his goodness.”
-Psalm 34:8&9 (The Message)
There is the reminder – my guilt and anxiety are a result of me looking at myself. They are a result of my pride, my need to accomplish, my desire for people to think well of me. Me, me, me. Speaking thanksgiving takes my eyes off of me. Worshiping God through thanksgiving reminds me of who He is.
Last week we were running around the track. The sky was grey and we were struggling through our miles just going around and around. As I turned the corner I lifted my head and saw the clouds part long enough to show me a sky colored pink and purple. On my next lap the color was gone, swallowed up again by the clouds. I had almost missed it.
I don’t want to miss want God is doing. I don’t want to get so caught up in my own thoughts, despair, the daily grind that I miss the beauty that God is working in the world. I want my eyes to be open to see.