on grieving…

A year ago, about this time, we were meeting two children who we thought were going to become part of our family. As is typical in the social work world no one could give us any guarantees but we were assured that the plan was for the kids to become free for adoption and placed with us. I was a nervous wreck and filled with excitement all at the same time. But as soon as I met them my heart opened wide and I saw our family with them in it. I knew it would be tough and we honestly and realistically talked through the challenges but my heart had been freely given and I was ready. I started to dream and plan. Every time we visited with them my heart cracked open just a bit wider. It sounds silly but in the few visits we had with them I saw their little spirits and loved them completely.

I was in the library when I got a phone call from their foster mother. Through tears of frustration she told me that the plans had changed. And just like that 2 children who I loved, and saw as part of our family, were gone. I grieved deeply. Yet, I also felt guilty about grieving. Here is some of an email I wrote to my mom,

I had a good talk with [a friend] yesterday. After that conversation (as well as a conversation with [someone else] about a failed adoption that they had many years ago) I felt the permission to grieve as if I had miscarried 2 children. Even though we knew this wasn’t a sure thing and I tried to compartmentalize and be practical the truth is that I met the kids, and came to love them, and despite my best efforts had dreams about what our family would be like. I don’t need to feel guilty about that, all of it is healthy and normal and right. And the flip side of that is the sadness of the loss. It hurts, and it sucks, and there just is no way to get around it but to go through it. And the acknowledgement of the the fact that I will continue to feel as if 2 children are missing from our family. But again, that is okay.

I do not say this as a cliche, or in a trite manner, but I truly believe that God’s way is good and even though things seem unclear to me, they are crystal clear to Him and He has this whole thing mapped out. We met [the kids] for a reason. Maybe that reason is that I will pray for them for the rest of my life, even if I never see them again. Maybe my prayers for them will change my heart in ways I don’t know yet. And maybe those prayers will somehow shield and protect them as they grow. It hurts me to think of them being hurt. But none of my kids are really mine to control. And none of the outcomes of my kids lives are up to me anyway. I see that now very clearly.

I was unprepared for the depth of emotion I am feeling as this time of year rolls along. I have continued to pray for the kids almost daily this past year. But I just assumed, since our decision to not pursue permanent placement at this time, that I had “gotten over it.” So the jolting moments of sadness have taken me by surprise. I am surprised at how much I miss them.

Two weeks ago we were at youth conference. My husband was chaperoning and me and the kids were just along for the ride. It was exactly one year ago that week that I had first gotten the phone call about the kids. Memories of my emotions during that time were rushing back. During one of the evening worship sessions we began singing the song Forever Reign. Tears came fast and furious because this song was on repeat during that week, one year ago, when my fears were so strong. The words were so meaningful to me that week. It was so comforting to me to choke out the words to this song through my tears and fears and anxiety.

Oh, I’m running to Your arms,
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

I miss the kids. I think about them every day and wish I could hold them, care for them, love on them. I pray desperately that they are being cared for. That they will come to know God and His great love for them. Sometimes I am so angry I can barely stand it. I rage against “the system” and against God. And yet…

Two weeks ago, I stood in the throng and just lifted my arms high. I couldn’t even sing the words, but I felt them deeply in my heart.  It is still true that God is good. It is still true that His love is enough. It is still true that He reigns. And it is still true that I can run to His arms to have my heart healed.

You are good, You are good
When there’s nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You’re the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms,
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I’m made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I’m letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

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A difficult decision

This is going to be hard to write. First, because it is hard to explain all the thoughts and conversations and prayers that culminated in this decision. Second, because I fear what other people think of me (even though I shouldn’t). Third, because no matter how right we feel the decision is there is still the emotional and spiritual processing that has to occur.

This weekend my husband and I decided not to pursue having a child placed permanently in our home through adoption any more at this time.

This was not easy to do. I spent 3 days unable to eat anything, in prayer, in conversation with others who know us well, and in deep soul searching.

The simple truth is that something in my gut was telling me that this was not right. I was trying to gloss it over. I was powering through and saying all the right things that Christians are supposed to say about faith and doing hard things and making sacrifices. (I still believe all of those things by the way.) But last weekend I just couldn’t let it go any more. I felt that before we had any child placed with us I had to get to the bottom of these feelings. The process was not pretty. I looked deeply at who I am and who I thought God was. I tried to pull away the layers of fear of others, fear of failure, fear of spiritual weakness.

At one point my husband said to me, “I think you need to understand that no matter what decision we make we are not thwarting God’s will.”  And at that point I was freed from my fear of performing enough to earn God’s favor, or from getting a cosmic spanking if I didn’t “do the right thing”, and I finally said what had been lurking in my heart. “I just don’t want to do this right now. I just don’t want the added responsibility of another child 24/7.” When written down in black and white it looks c0mpletely selfish. I hadn’t wanted to voice the thought because it sounds selfish. But believe me, this decision was not made out of selfishness. It was not made out of a desire for comfort. It was made out of an honest look at who I am, what my strengths are, and what would be best for our family at this time.

In one conversation a friend said to me, “Sarah, you are selling yourself short. I know you. I know that walking away from a placement right now will be just as hard for you in different ways as going through with a placement.” That person was right. There is a whole new battle going on inside of me right now and there is a lot of emotional and spiritual processing that has to occur. I feel guilty. I feel weak. I feel like a failure. I feel like I will be judged. I feel like I wasn’t willing to sacrifice “it all” in order to serve God.

But those are lies.

I have felt God tenderly leading me over the past few days. In the midst of this heart turmoil I have felt His gentle love and care for me. He has cared for me through my husband, who is wise and patient and honest. The deep heart conversations that we have had over the past few days have brought a new unity and strength to our marriage. I have felt God’s love through my friends and family who took my phone calls and were insightful and encouraging and honest. Most of all I have felt God’s love in the depths of my spirit. I have felt Him whisper, “I love you. No matter what you do, I love you. You do not have to earn my love. Nothing you can do can lose my love. I have made you. I know you. I love you.”  I have felt deep peace and calm since our decision was made. I will still wrestle with the lies but the undercurrent of peace remains.

So that is where we are now. We are not glibly prancing away from this process or this need in order to resume our normal life.  We have been deeply changed by the process that we have already been through. We trust God to continue to guide our steps. We continue to care about our community and the fatherless. We remain on the list as a family who will provide respite care for foster and adoptive families, and there is a huge need for that.

I did not start this blog as an “adoption blog.” I started this blog to document my desire to delve more deeply into God’s love for me and to how I can share that love with others. I will continue to write that journey here, with all its twists and turns.

All Day Visit

We roused ourselves early on Saturday morning. We were all tired and preferred to stay in bed but we had a mission. We were going to pick up little S man. A sleepy 45 minute drive through the final colors of fall lit up by the rising sun brought us to a parking lot. We waited. We anticipated. I tried to peacefully sip my coffee and calm my churning stomach. We listened to Matisyahu. A car drove up and I took off my sunglasses wanting my eyes to be visible. Sleepy, cautious hazel eyes blinked at us from his car seat. We did the car seat shuffle, he hugged his foster sister (whom he obviously had a bond with), and settled quietly into our van.

Snuggled with the blue blanket that he can never be parted from, his serious eyes watched us. We drove back the way we came. Homeward bound. Familiar to us, unknown to him. Jeremiah began to engage. Sparks of interest lit his eyes. Especially when there was a train to see. But for most of the ride he was quiet. Somber. I would even say resigned, as if being put in strange cars and taken strange places were par for the course. Every now and then I would turn and see his eyes on me. Just watching.

We made a detour to CVS when I realized that our house is not equipped with sippy cups.

Arriving “home” he grabbed Aaron’s hand to help him down from the van, and didn’t let go. We all came into the house, him still gripping tight. Jeremiah and Nathaniel eager and chattering. Wanting to show him their things. In their own ways wanting him to feel welcome. He was obviously hesitant and we let him wander. He ended up in the room we are setting up for him. A gigantic Pooh bear grabbed his attention and became his favorite toy for the day. He sat on the floor snuggling the bear, chattering unintelligibly, and playing with cars.

Our next plan was to play outside. We had heard that little S loves to be outside (what 2yr doesn’t?) so we took a snack and wandered out the back door. This was a hit. I held his homemade granola bar while he wandered from one place to the next. The swings. The area where the trucks are. The tight spot between the shed and the fence. He would wander then return to me with arms out stretched, fingers pinching the air, saying “more.” I would feed him a bite and off he would go ready to explore something else. He played on the swings, helped me rake, and followed the boys around amused by their antics.

An hour or so later it was time to think about lunch. I put lunch on the table and we all sat down. Except little S man who decided that he didn’t want to sit still. Exploring the living room and being kept from touching things resulted in loud grunting and yelling. So I bundled him up and took him to his room. He melted into to me. Snuggling his blue blanket he curled into me and relaxed while I sang lullabies. He is a heavy fellow so transferring him to his crib once a sleep was not accomplished easily. He cried when I put him down so the lullabies continued while I rubbed his back and he drifted to sleep.

We all enjoyed a 2 1/2 hour rest! Well, not entirely true. Aaron finished raking and mowing the yard. When I went to get him out of his bed he cuddled in to me again and we sat and snuggled for a few minutes. Aaron came in and he smiled at Aaron from his spot in the crook of my neck. There was more playing in the house and in the yard as we finished up out there. A favorite game was to go to a window and see if we could see Aaron outside. Little S would laugh when Aaron came inside. Somehow as we were getting ready to go he found a black crayon and in true 2yr old style proceeded to color on Jeremiah’s science text book. The situation was easily remedied with some paper that he was told he could draw on and a true orgy of scribbling commenced.

Time again to load up in the van. This time the ride was more animated. Little S loves music and on this trip he sang and moved to the music. We stopped at the dairy where we buy milk. Aaron carried little S in to see the cows. Which resulted in him repeating the “moo” sound in order to get a response out of Aaron. I noticed that his “moo” sound was almost identical to the way he said “more” earlier in the day.

Unfortunately we had promised the boys dinner at McDonald’s because it has an indoor play place. Big mistake. The place was filthy, the food was horrible. We learned something about little S though – he loves to dip everything in ketchup. It was funny because Jeremiah and Nathaniel don’t eat ketchup so it never even occurred to me to get some out for little S. Then he started making noises and trying to grab something from Aaron and we realized it was ketchup. Noted. He loves fries and kept asking for “moo fi’s peas.”

We finally made it to his foster home. He seemed happy and good natured until the phone he was playing with was taken away. Then a complete meltdown ensued and we realized it was time to leave.

We drove the winding mountain roads home again in the dark. My stomach churning again because this is one more step toward the reality of having him placed with us. And I am still battling fear and doubt. As far as first day visits go this was a great one but the reality is that our life is about to change. And I am worried that I can’t do it.

at loose ends

I have been staring at this blank screen for a few days. I just don’t really know what to say. It seems like our situation with little S man changes daily. I thought that I was handling it all okay, but I wonder if I haven’t just shut down. I am person who likes structure, order, consistency. I like calm and predictability. Ha!

Last week we had a great heart-to-heart talk with the foster mom. We felt like we were all on the same page. We didn’t want to just move little S for no reason so we agreed to continue visiting and having him spend time with us, but not make any decisions about moving until January. We felt that by then we would have a clearer picture as to what was going on with his birth parents. Then on Monday night we received a call from foster mom. She feels he needs to be moved sooner. She wants us to make a decision.

We are praying. And talking through options and scenarios. My mind is spinning. And then my mind just stops because I can’t control any of this. I can’t predict what his birth parents will or won’t do. I can’t predict if the judge will grant TPR when DFCS asks for it. I can’t predict any thing.

The only thing we can do is prayerfully make the best decision we can for little S and our family with the information that we currently have. And once we do that we have to trust God with the details.

I don’t fee like my confusion over this situation comes from being too emotionally involved or attached. I actually feel like the Holy Spirit has protected me from getting too emotionally attached at this point. What is exhausting me is the constant change in the planning. I felt so peaceful and thankful after our conversation last week. I felt like a clear path had been laid out and God was definitely guiding our steps. Then one phone call, on Monday night, on our way to my birthday dinner, sends me reeling again. Or maybe not reeling – but re-evaluating. It is a bit exhausting to wake up every day and wonder, “What will happen today?”

Does this mean we abandon this? This process is clearly not in sync with my personality and personal life style! Maybe we really are not the best people to do this?

No.

Believe me, I have been tempted to scrap the whole thing. And by whole thing, I mean the whole adoption thing. I have been tempted to call our case manager and tell her to close our home study completely and just leave us the heck alone. But if we do that, then we are turning our backs on a clear call that we feel from God. We would miss out on a lot of joy.

This daily up and down and back and forth is teaching me so much! It is teaching me to hold my plans lightly. It is teaching me to focus on just this day. It is teaching me to be more fully present with the kids who are in my care right now. It is teaching me how to be in touch with, and control my emotions in a healthy way. It is teaching me what it means to practically trust God to provide for each day of my life.  It is teaching me a whole new level of prayer. Most importantly I am so much more aware of my complete and total dependence on God.

I am not really sure how to end this post. I feel at loose ends, so maybe that is fitting. I took a break for a minute and a friend posted this on her Facebook feed:

“God will call you to face the unthinkable in order to form in you what is unachievable apart from his grace.”- Paul David Tripp

That pretty much describes how I feel right now.

 

First visit

I finally have time to post about our first visit with little 2 year old fellow.

We had an insanely busy week and weekend last week. One thing after another on the calendar with no time to breathe or process or anticipate or worry. Finally on Sunday afternoon Aaron and I found ourselves driving through the brilliant fall colors on our way to meet little guy. We talked about our expectations (low) and wanted to be on the same page regarding talking to the foster mother about future visits. We held hands and chatted and enjoyed a few minutes of quiet together. Neither one of us was particularly nervous or uptight.

We found the house and were greeted at the front door by the foster mother. She was friendly and welcomed us in. Little guy was standing in the middle of the living room. We casually said hello to him when he was introduced to us. He took one look at us and made a bee-line for his 18 year old foster sister. He curled up in her lap, keeping a wary eye on us while he listened to music on her iphone. We chatted with foster mom for a few minutes, trying to keep everything casual and low key. She filled us in on little guys likes and dislikes. Aaron got on the floor and started playing with little guys favorite toys, Duplo’s and blocks. Foster sister put the iphone away and little guy pitched an all-out royal fit. Normal 2 year old behavior with just a touch of extra desperation. Foster mom held him in her lap and rocked him and he calmed down. From her lap he was eyeing Aaron who was still calmly playing with toys. He got down from her lap and edged over to Aaron.

The rest of the time proceeded much as expected. Little guy played a lot with Aaron. We were there for about an hour and a half and by the end of the visit he was chattering away (we couldn’t understand him though) and even allowed a cautious hug as we left. We were able to observe him with all of his foster siblings and his foster mom and it was clear that he is well attached to them and sees himself as part of the family. It is also clear that everyone in the family cares about him and that he is being nurtured in their home. He is a relatively calm little guy who loves music and building things.

Our goals for the visit were to introduce ourselves to little guy and have him and the foster family start to feel comfortable with us. That was accomplished. We were also pleasantly surprised at how the foster mother initiated and laid out more transitional visits than we had originally expected, since she seemed a bit hesitant at first in our other meeting and initial phone calls.

So, that is all good right?!

Well, as always seems to happen in the DFCS world there was some news that took us by surprise.  Halfway through the visit foster mom casually mentions that the parents have petitioned the court for increased visitation and have started to do one of the things on their case plan. Aaron and I just looked at each other.  What did that mean?

On the way home we tried to talk through all the issues. Our conclusion was, this little guy seems like a good fit for our family and we see no reason not to continue with his transition to our home. However, we do not want to be foster parents right now. We do not want to be another stop/disruption on his road to reunification. If his biological parents can show they can care for him then we don’t want to stand in the way of that. His current foster family loves him and the only reason he is being moved is because DFCS plans to petition the court for TPR and adoption.

So what do we do?

Monday morning I called the case manager. Obviously I can’t give details, and there is still a level of legal risk, but there is a bigger picture. Basically at this stage we are being asked to weigh what level of risk we are willing to take.

We have decided to take each day as it comes. We are holding everything lightly and not making any long term plans.  Right now we will continue with the transitional visits. If we get new information that changes the picture then we will re-evaluate.

I will admit that some of my initial reaction was selfish. I wanted Sunday night to be the night that we could finally have the joyful anticipation of this process. I wanted to come home from the visit and make positive phone calls to family. But I still feel like I have to hold my emotions in check. My wise husband said, “We have to trust God to provide for our emotions. When it is time for us to be joyful we will be able to be joyful.”

The thing is, I feel God tenderly taking care of my and protecting my emotions right now. I am not obsessing. I am able to think clearly and pray about the situation without it taking over my whole thought process. I feel calm. I am able to take each day as it comes. I am able to give my kids the attention that they need from me. That is only the Holy Spirit.

So we continue one day at a time. Learning the deep lessons of the heart. Realizing again our complete lack of control. Trusting God to care and provide for us.

Staffing/Meeting

I pulled up to the DFCS office Thursday afternoon and of course had no idea who I was supposed to meet. No one had given me the name of the child’s case worker from this county. She was however standing at the front desk when I tried to sign in. Turns out the child’s foster mother was standing right behind us. We were led through a warren of tight hallways. This is an old building. Phones were ringing. Offices were crammed with paperwork. We were ushered into a room stocked with old conference tables, old swivel chairs leaning precariously, an odd assortment of old tvs on rolling cabinets. In the corner was a bright colored rug with the alphabet and a plastic picnic table.

We sat down with the foster mother and looked at each other awkwardly for a few minutes while we waited for all the case workers to arrive. I tried to make small talk. I wasn’t sure what I was “allowed” to ask or talk about. Finally everyone arrived. The boy’s case worker is brand new at the job. She was timid and unsure. Not really a take charge personality. She gave us very little in the way of useful information. After an odd pause I asked if I could just ask everyone questions. Sure, no problem. So I pulled out my notebook and asked everything I could think of.

What is his personality like? How does he play? How does he get along with other kids? Do you feel like he has attached to you? What are his eating and sleeping habits? What about acting out behaviors? I just kept on going. Aaron had questions about permanency. What is the current legal status? What is DFCS plan? Any time line for when they expect to file for TPR? What were the causes of him coming in to foster care?

After all our questions there was another awkward pause. Everyone was looking expectantly at us. What was our decision? We had already talked and agreed that unless something really unexpected was revealed during the meeting we would go ahead and agree to proceed with the pre-placement visits. So we said, “We would like to meet him.” There then followed a few minutes of us and the foster mother trying to coordinate calendars. Apparently we both have a very busy week ahead. No final date for the meeting is set. Maybe next Saturday? We will call the foster mother early next week and set something up.

Foster mother is very protective of the boy. She wants to make sure this is done right. I appreciate that in her. This child is being nurtured in her care, not simply physically cared for.

I then asked, “Could I see a picture?” No one had a picture. Foster mother called her daughter and asked her to email a picture to the case workers phone. It was handed over to me. The first thing I noticed was a gigantic smile. A definite light of personality in the eyes. Sandy brownish hair with a hint of red. A dimple flashing from a cheek. I hold the phone as long as I dare before passing it over to Aaron so he can see.

The meeting is wrapped up. We are ushered back through the maze of hallways. We speak briefly with our case manager in the parking lot. She drives away. I turn to Aaron. Every conflicting emotion I can think up is welling up in me. I want to hug him and let excitement in. But I want to temper that too because we haven’t even met the boy yet. And then fear floods, what if we can’t do this?

We drive to Five Guys and have a juicy hamburger. We discuss what to tell our boys. We cautiously skirt the issues of getting the house ready, and fitting in pre-placement visits, and how the actual timing of this is all going to play out. And as I eat my french fries all I can think is that I can’t believe that this is really happening.

Getting a little nervous

We had a whirlwind week and weekend last week. It was pretty easy to keep my mind distracted and not really think about this upcoming staffing much. Yesterday Aaron and I needed to sit down and at least talk through a few things so we were on the same page before being in a room full of DFCS workers. I started doing some research on toddler transition, attachment, and bonding.

Wow.

We have quite a road ahead of us.

If this happens, and if we want to do it right (which of course we do), the transition is going to have to be slow, yet intense. What I mean by that is that the recommended guidelines are to have lots of visits, close together, increasing in time, over a period of a few weeks until the toddler feels comfortable and attached to the new home. Obviously we have yet to see if this is what our particular DFCS worker will recommend, but we will fight pretty hard to make sure that we do this as close to “recommended” as possible. This is going to mean a lot of back and forth for us. Extra driving. Pushing back some things on our schedule.

But we really have no idea. I have scoped out the “ideal” in my mind. But who knows what will actually transpire.

Then I started thinking of all this little guy has been through in his short life. How many attachment figures he has had. The things he has seen. And fear and doubt began creeping in. I started imagining all the worst case scenarios.

I think that we are still proceeding in a healthy way. It is necessary for us to do some planning and thinking ahead in the event that this meeting on Thursday goes well and we get the green light. Yet, the thinking and planning ahead have not consumed me the way they did with the other placement. Maybe the fact that I still don’t have a face in mind (we haven’t seen a picture yet). Most definitely the fact that we haven’t met him yet helps me plan without feeling significantly attached.

After the chaos of our busy week last week our house is a complete wreck. So today I am putting my energy into cleaning and getting our environment in order. No matter what happens we can all benefit from a clean, organized, welcoming home.

But I will admit. I am getting a little bit nervous. Any maybe even a tad bit cautiously excited.

 

Today

Today I want to rearrange the guestroom that will be the new child’s room if the placement happens.

But I won’t.

Today I want to be excited that we may soon be adding a 2 year old to our family.

But I am trying not to.

Today I want to start looking for a crib, and clothes, and toddler gear that I think we may need.

But I am restraining myself.

Today I am going to take a deep breath. I am going to make myself wait until we know the outcome of our meeting before I do any advance planning.

Today I am going to pray for my friends who are in a difficult immigration situation and are meeting with an immigration officer right now. Today I am going to get our homeschool work done. Today I am going to read books to my boys. Today I am going to snuggle and care for another friend’s 6 month old darling girl. Today I am going to try and pull together the last details for decorating the church for an event this weekend. Today I am going to prepare my lesson about Moses and the burning bush. Today I am going to gather little ones around me and pour some love and attention into them. Today I am going to try and squeeze in a conversation with my husband before we fall asleep exhausted.

Being honest, the battle in my mind

In the interest of honesty, let me say that today I am having quite the battle in my mind.

On the one hand my mind wants to trust, rest, focus on only today. On the other hand my mind wants to race ahead, control, plan. Today I feel like the battle is especially fierce.

I find the position we are in to be very nebulous. On the one hand we know that DFCS wants to have a meeting with us and possibly place a child with us. On the other hand that meeting has not yet been scheduled and until that happens and we get the final word we really can’t assume anything. Last night I talked to someone who had worked with the same county – they had a meeting scheduled for a possible placement but were never called back and the child was placed with someone else. Of course, my heart sunk, and my mind started racing. And the battle began.

I feel like if this placement is a good possibility then I should start to do some planning, cleaning, organizing, scheduling. But I learned the hard way last time that letting my mind go down that road leads to some attachment on my part and disappointment should the placement not occur. So do I start planning and take the emotional hit if it doesn’t work out? Or do I work really hard to squelch the thoughts in my head and not do anything until we know for sure? Also, I know DFCS. I used to be a DFCS worker. I know that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. So do I keep calling our worker? Can I be politely squeaky? If this child is to be placed with us, the sooner that happens the better. Right?

This morning I texted a friend and asked her to pray for me. I need the Holy Spirit to help me be still. I need him to show me how to walk this path with peace and wisdom.
***Update: After I wrote this got an email scheduling a meeting with DFCS for next Thursday afternoon.

Next step

Last night we received an email that DFCS wants to set up a meeting with us to discuss the placement of the 2yr old boy we were contacted about a few weeks ago.  I have been pretty proud of how I have been able to not really dwell on this possibility since we learned about it. I really have not been obsessing over details or planning for it. Last night my youngest crawled into our bed at 4am. He hasn’t done that in a very long time. I thought I would fall right back to sleep but instead I tossed and turned. The details about the possibility of having a 2yr old placed here, that I had previously been able to keep out of my mind, came rushing in.

Yet, I still feel pretty calm. I wrote a quick list and was able to move on this morning. All we know at this point is that we will schedule a meeting with the DFCS case managers to discuss the child, his case, and his needs. At that point we will make a decision about whether or not we will accept the placement and at that time a plan for transition will be made. Our last experience taught me that it is pointless for me to try and think ahead. We are at the mercy of DFCS and their schedule. Things will happen when they happen. And we will have to adjust. I also know that I don’t really have to worry about getting the stuff we may need. If we give/get the green light and the placement happens I know that family and friends will surround us and we won’t lack for anything.

This morning there is much to be done in the daily work of our household. School work, laundry, cleaning, yard work are all on the days list of things to get done. Two nights this week we have soccer games. We have our life to live. We will take the next step and see where it leads from there.